An Open Letter to Barbara and Jenna Bush from Her Imperial Highness Grand Duchess Anastasia

by Reductio ad absurdum

To the Duchesses Bush:

I am not offended if my person exceeds your acquaintance. If I am known to you, I suspect it is by virtue of the animated moving picture that bears my name. I write so that your family may find solace in my belief that, present circumstances notwithstanding, your family’s eminence can be sustained forever. The later years of the reign of my papa, Tsar Nicholas II, were plagued with as much turmoil as that of yours, His Excellency President George W. Bush. Our fathers fumbled with two wars–one begun by foes from abroad and another fomented by radicals within. It was the latter that proved fatal to us, ultimately denying our special purpose in history (See below, 1) . But history has a tendency to a selective amnesia, preferring the memory of Versailles to that of the guillotine which it provoked.

As the daughters of our fathers, we are not unlike the subjects of their kingdoms. We are loyal and obedient children. You, however, additionally submit yourselves to the unwavering glare of a public scrutiny that watches your every move and exposes your flaws all the more than your graces. Such is the consequence of the “freedom of the press” that your political ancestors decreed and which your father so rightfully despises. But though your press can be ferocious, it is also impressionably sentimental. This is undoubtedly to your advantage. One need only think of the outpouring of emotion over the death of Princess Diana. And a sentimental people will always be susceptible to mistaking value for that which is valued. Hence, you must remember that wealth will protect. This I know from the diamonds that post-humously secured my now legendary status (2). For all my father’s failings, the world now adores him through me.

If you understand me, you will feign your own demises. If you contrive the simulation of your murders by the enemies of your father, the world will never forgive them and similarly never forget you nor your family. Show the world your diamonds, the glorious riches of your family’s unquestionable birthright. The world cannot but then admire and cherish you as the vicarious symbol of how they would otherwise want their world to be. Thusly will the permanent reign of the Bush Dynasty be effected. I look forward to your joining me in the histrionic grandeur of regal martyrdom. For your sake, if the radicals from within arrive before you accomplish your ruse, I hope that your diamonds, unlike mine, are real (3).

Yours,
Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanova

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(1) Editor’s note: The Russian royal family of Tsar Nicholas II was executed by the Bolsheviks in the Ipatiev House, which was also known as the “House of Special Purpose.”
(2) Editor’s note: Legend has it that Anastasia survived the execution of her family by sewing diamonds into her clothes to defend her from the bullets and bayonets of the Bolsheviks.
(3) Editor’s note: After the execution of the Romanovs at least two separate women emerged claiming to be Anastasia. DNA testing later revealed them to be frauds.