Crisis in the Middle School

Reductio ad absurdum obtained the following memo issued to lunch room monitors from the principal of a local school.

The present cafeteria food-fights began when Billy and Sally stole a batch of tater tots from Chuck’s lunch.

Such actions are not unprecedented for Billy and Sally, as they have repeatedly pilfered from Chuck. The former claim that their actions are a direct response to Chuck’s seizure of their lunch money in classroom 48.

Despite Chuck’s agreement to give them an apple that he didn’t want in the first place, Billy and Sally have refused to renounce further attacks on Chuck’s lunch. Chuck, in turn, has threatened to confiscate and withhold their lunch money in the future.

Since the abduction of Chuck’s tater tots, both sides have continued to throw baloney on each other.

Chuck’s considerable size has also permitted him to continue his retaliations on the playground. In the last few days, Chuck inadvertently threw an entire meatloaf on a group of kindergarteners.

While Chuck has agreed to temporarily put a halt to meat operations, the position of the school is to negotiate only a sustainable cease-fire of baloney.

Until Billy and Sally commit themselves to giving up their maneuvers against Chuck’s tray and his right to as large a portion of food as he wants, the school will not support an immediate cessation of hostilities.