I Google, Therefore I Am

(Originally published 10/3/06.)

by Mik Awake

Observation: The whiteness, the defiant lack of clutter, the six buoyant letters, the pleasing minimalism of it all: What is it about Google? For some, it’s just a search engine. But for others—especially online journalists who undertake damning and shoddy scientific inquiries who might have (ahem!) needed a refresher course on the scientific method but were too lazy to walk to the library—Google is everything.

Question: In an assignment at once quixotic and potentially dangerous, The Inquirer editors decided to saddle me with the task of going an entire day at work without using Google. Is it possible? And what is life like without it? How will I be able to search Wikipedia without Google? (It’s impossible to memorize those addresses.)

Hypothesis: I think it’s definitely going to suck.

Prediction: Correction: it will suck, and I might get reprimanded by my superiors for not getting anything done. How do you book a reservation with a hotel if you can’t find the number?

Experiment: It is a Monday. I have arrived at the office. I open up the ancient version of Explorer running on my PC and, instead of being greeted by my usual homepage (can I not even mention the name?), I see my company’s website. Let us proceed with this twisted experiment. What follows is my personal log of one Google-less 8-hour stretch. (Anything more, I think, would violate certain Geneva Conventions.)

• 9:26AM: I’ve been here almost half-an-hour and I really want to go on Google. Something doesn’t feel right. It’s not that I really want or need to research anything in particular; I just want to see it.
• 9:28: Kind of just been staring at the wall for a couple minutes.
• 10:31: I’ve just completed my first major task of the day and feel as though I deserve a reward. This is usually when I open up Google—did I mention it’s my home page?—and search my own name and different variations of it. To see if anyone’s talking shit about me online . . . I also want to know more about this maniac who’s been stabbing people in New York. Saw a picture on the Daily News last week with him lying dead in the street. Gunned down by cops. I want to go to the Daily News online, but I don’t know the address. I would have Googled it. It’s probably just nydailynews.com but how can I be sure?
• 11:35: Couldn’t remember the address of this Indian place near the office where I wanted to have lunch. Couldn’t search it. Resigned to eat pizza from the corner.
• 12:58PM: I just ate two plain slices and had an orange soda, but I’m still hungry. If I could have used Google I wouldn’t have been hungry. I would have filled up on samosas and channa shag at the Indian place.
• 1:37: I can hear other people in the offices around me using Google. How can you hear people using Google? you ask. You can’t; I can.
• 2:11: My boss has asked me to track a package that I shipped UPS earlier in the week. Unsurprisingly, UPS hasn’t delivered it to the correct address. I have to go to the company’s specific UPS website. I cannot Google it.
• 2:45: I keep unconsciously hitting the little house icon on my toolbar, expecting to be brought back to Google. But it keeps returning to my company’s website. I feel homeless. Meanwhile, my boss is asking about that package and growing more and more frustrated with my excuses for not being able to track it. I fear I might be in trouble. I call 4-1-1 to retrieve the UPS number I need.
• 3:00: If I can’t search my name at least once today, to see that I still get hits on my old college course syllabi at least, then there will be nothing to prove I exist.
• 4:22: The day’s almost over. At five o’clock, I’m going to type g-o-o-g-l-e into my address bar and things will start to make sense again.
• 5:02: Relief. My name still registers hits on Google. I exist.

Analysis: Acute side effects of not using Google for a day may include, but are not limited to, hunger (due to an inability to find aforementioned Indian buffet); job insecurity (due to an inability to search those bits of information your bosses don’t realize are dependent upon the use of Google); delirium (at one point I made the claim that I could actually “hear” people using Google in offices next to mine; this is not true); and a feeling of what can only be described as a diminishing of the self, which may in turn lead to increased existential scrutiny, and acute homelessness (see 2:45PM).

Decision: Life without Google does not only suck; it is unbearable and causes physical harm.

(Illustrations by Dustin Glick.)

Comments

[John Finder]

Without Google I wouldn't have found this. Oh, wait, I guess I can Fark without google. Well, at least I wouldn't have found the crappy porn that starts off my morning everyday.

[Kim]

"The five bouyant letters": Google has six letters, not five. You suck at science and math. Stick to writing about crack and rap.

[MCooper]

I would say if you're addicted to something of convenience then you have big problems.

We need to realise that all of this technology is taken for granted. Some day we might not have certain things.

Having a near breakdown over the fact that you're lazy and instead of actually using intellect and ingenuity you just do a search is somewhat sad.

[Mmm Fark]

I thought this was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

"The five bouyant letters" It took me till the end to figure out there was six, damn I'm almost as slow. Thanks to google I realized there was six!!

[MagnoliaFan]

I call shenanigans on this whole thing, it's clearly made up. Did Google pay for this article to get some free advertising? Look how great our search engine is everyone, people go into neurotic fits without it. Google isn't the only search engine there, though it's certainly the most overhyped. It sure isn't something to spazz out about if you don't have access to it, try Yahoo or AllTheWeb or better yet pick up a real book. Oh and get some counseling, you obviously have some sort of internet addiction disorder.

[Timot]

Does anyone know the calorie count of a Big Mac? I just don't know where to begin looking.

[sucka]

What are you talking about? Yelling at this guy for writing up what you suffer from every day? Quit yankin it after searching for "big boobs" and maybe you'll get some brain cells back.

Ad for google? Well, maybe you're an ad for naive reader

[MCooper]

You right, definatley shouldnt YELL at him.

And he sure is suffering, this is true pain, being cut off from something so critical.

Of course my mistake for reading a "blog" I really detest the whole "blog" trend.

[sucka]

But isn't what he's saying exactly that we should NOT take google for granted?

After all, it's probably the most powerful tool for information EVER created.

See you later, libraries.

[Dirt McGirt]

Just to play devil's advocate with the nitpickers, I assume this story is really about a full day without using any search engine, not just Google. Google is just being used by the author since it is the most popular search tool. And he has a valid point: after growing so accustomed to it, it is now difficult for most of us to live without the conveniences provided by the Internet.
Stop hating.

[Some counting guy]

Five letters? 'G' 'o' 'g' 'l' 'e'

[Sara K.]

Ahhhh, this is classic. And it's sad that all these slackers who couldn't come up with something as funny are hating. Probably because it hits (hee hee) a little too close to home. I'm subscribing to New York Inquirer. The rest of you all should too, maybe you'll overcome your fears.

[Justin]

I agree with Sarah. Those of you who are criticizing Mr. Awake's write-up of his experience are simply jealous.

Keep it up, Inquirer!

[Farky The Squirrel]

To all the whiners who are defending this silly article...bite me.

With love from Fark.

[Bryan]

Great article. I like satire AND message boards. Wonder what that says about me?

[John Doe]

In a word: pathetic.

[John Doe]

not you, Bryan...the whole article and its subsequent discussion.