Waste of a Sunday night: Bears Throttle Giants

by Bryan Joiner

Ugh. I stayed up late for this? Chicago 38, New York 20. Giants get their butts handed to them on national television, give up longest play in history of the sport. Yup. That kind of night. But there's good news across the hall . . .

. . . It seems like it's been four years since the Jets beat the Patriots—wait, it HAS been four years. Cue the confetti. J-E-T-S head honcho and former Patriots coach Eric Mangini beat Patriots and mentor Bill Belichick 17-14 in the sloppiest game of the day, capture their first win in the "rivalry" since 2002. Jerricho Cotchery! Kevan Barlow! Straight to the Super Bowl, baby! . . .

. . . California Rolls: San Diego completes epic comeback, beats Cincinnati 49-41. The Chargers, led by LaDanian Tomlinson’s 39 touchdowns, score 42 second-half points to push the Bengals to a disappointing 4-5. Just like old times. Except for the four wins . . .

. . . Bengals can still make the playoffs, but they need to start playing – what’s the word? – defense. Four hundred forty yards for Carson Palmer, breaking the "oh shit" meter for the day . . .

. . . Side Note: The awesome thing I learned about the NFL is that if a television network cuts from a blowout to a closely contested 1 p.m. game, the network is required by feudal law to stop broadcasting the new game at 4:15 p.m. sharp unless that game is in overtime. Makes sense, I know. The network is allowed, however, to continue airing NFL-themed programming and show the “highlight” of every play immediately after it occurs in real-time until 4:30 p.m. This is tantamount to airing the game, but the network cannot air the game’s actual broadcast because that would be cheating. You figure it out . . .

. . . Philadelphia Rolls: Eagles cream Redskins, 27-3. Somewhere (likely in Virginia), soon to be ex-Senator George Allen (Junior?), son of the former Washington coach, wept. Again . . .

. . . In Indianapolis, it's just one of those years where everything breaks your way. Bills miss late field goal against undefeated Colts, Indianapolis escapes 17-16. Next up for the Colts' runaway train: Dallas, who thumped Arizona 27-10 in the boring-ass game of the day. The Republicans haven’t lost control of everything, apparently, as the red-state favorite boys are kept on the local FOX airwaves (take that, Schumer!) instead of the pulse pounding finish . . .

. . . in Seattle, where the blue-state Seahawks connect on a field goal with nine seconds left, take out the Rams 24-22 of newly-minted blue state Missouri in a virtual photocopy of their previous game this season. Senator-elect Claire McCaskill (D-MO) is forced to send 10 pounds of St. Louis-style ribs to Senator Maria Cantwell of Washington (D-WA), per one of those silly campaign bets. No, not really . . .

. . . WTF? Game of the Day – Cleveland beats Atlanta, 17-13. When Michael Vick shows up the Falcons win; when he doesn’t, they lose. He doesn’t. Also putting in a bid is Miami 13, Kansas City 10. Dolphins stop Kansas City’s Larry Johnson. South Beach Winning Streak: 2 games . . .

. . . Houston Texans 13, Jacksonville Jaguars 10. There’s “tea” in “Texas,” but no “teal” – the navy-blue Texans are 2-0 against the Jaguars this year, 1-6 vs. everyone else . . .

. . . Denver 17, Oakland 13. Arizona State University battle, with former Sun Devil legend Jake Plummer '96 adding to his NFL legend, tossing three picks for Denver in victory over the Raiders. Rookie quarterback Andrew Walter '05 keeps it interesting, throws once to Randy Moss for a solid eight yards . . .

. . . California Rolls, part II: San Francisco beats Detroit 19-13. Frank Gore runs for 159 yards before leaving with a concussion, winning a prize as the two millionth person to fall asleep during this game. Get it, because they’re both bad teams? Yeah, yeah . . .

. . . Down to The Wire, Baltimore beats Tennessee, 27-26. The Ravens are off to the best start in team history at 7-2. On a related note, the Ravens regularly score a lot of points for the first time in team history . . .

. . . The Super Bowl Champions beat a good team. Pittsburgh 38, New Orleans 31. America’s new darling team – the Saints really are – falls short in comeback bid with late fumble. Drew Brees is awesome, with 399 yards. Pittsburgh's Willie Parker runs for 215 . . .

. . . Green Bay 23, Minnesota 17. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarve. Farve Favre Favre Favre. Farve Farve Farve. Farve. Farve. Farve. Farve . . .

(Yes, I know.)