God Terror Alert (Or, an Open Letter to Condi)

by Elizabeth Keenan

With the one-year anniversary of Katrina upon us, I wonder how those shoes you purchased on Fifth Avenue are holding up? Did they give you blisters or buckle when you were walking to your secret service-guarded car as the storm was being declared a Category 3? And while people were stranded atop their roofs, missing so much more than their shoes, did you stop for a moment to ruminate on your childhood classmates, still in Birmingham living amid "America's poverty problem" while you decided against alligator stilettos that pinched a little too much in the heel?

Granted, you were resting easy that W’s compadre at FEMA, “Brownie,” was handling the weather problems—and why shouldn’t you?

While some women might hold you to a higher standard—considering your impressive ascension through the ranks with not one, but two cultural strikes against you—I suppose I understand how unfair it is to assume you'd to rise above the "bros before hoes" mentality you've got going with the frat on the hill. That, perhaps, some of that unflappable strong-black-woman thing you've got going was best used elsewhere than to mobilize some support for your hometown, if not the entire affected area. After all, homeland matters aren't technically in your job description are they?

Those same women might tend to hold grudges for a long time based on questionable moral oversights or egregious neglect of your roots, but I am ready to forgive you, a year after the fact. I forgive you for the shopping spree, the tennis match with Monica Seles, and most of all for attending Spamalot on Broadway not a week after the levees gave way. Meanwhile, the looting and shooting raged, but hey, I'm a New Yorker, and I understand all too well how difficult it is to get tickets to that show.

When you did finally visit your damaged hometown of Birmingham, you attended your local church where a rousing sermon about God coming to save us all in due time prompted you to remark, “The Lord is going to come on time—if we just wait.” Wasn't that the truth? The waiting has been epic, hasn't it?

Since you mentioned the “powers that be,” the question remains, are you and your cronies keeping score of God vs. the World? Is there a white board somewhere in the Pentagon with Katrina added as another notch in the proverbial apocalyptic bedpost, following AIDS, drought, famine, earthquakes, and the East Asian Tsunami?

I implore you, Condi, for my peace of mind and the stressed and terror-riddled insomniac Americans everywhere: provide us with another system of litmus tests that you and the boys have conducted so effectively in the past five years. Only this time, no keeping track of terrorists, we need to know about God.

I propose you introduce a color-coded terror-alert system as a companion to our handfuls of Ambien and cases of Budweiser to assure us that Status: BLUE (general risk of God attacks) had been applied, instead of the frightening Status: RED (severe risk of God attacks). Then, perhaps, we could all drift away into our dreams of it all being under control.

Come on, Condi. It is the Christian thing to do.

(Originally published 8/29/06.)

Comments

[Theo Fane]

"The waiting has been epic, hasn't it?"

Unanswerable. Someone should make a t-shirt of this line.

[joesephus]

I been on dis curb a year. Lottsa peeple walk by and ain't nobody hep me up. dis disgraceful

lordy me

[ph]

ah, the eternal debate between shoes, shows, and celebrities vs. a swift, organized, and comprehensive relief effort to a poverty-stricken area of our country obscenely devastated by a deadly hurricane, effecting the livelihood of thousands.

I don't know about you, but I'm still weighing the cost-benefit analysis myself.

[The Paranoid Pachyderm]

I'm terrified of so many things that this makes me feel more justified. Plus it gives me an excuse to say "Yaweh's having a Yellow week." Thanks for keep me staring at the skies Miss Keenan!

[SaraJ]

liz.............strange you would ask Condi when you had Mayor Ray, the gov, and 2 LA senators.......oh, I forgot, they didn't have a clue. Neither did you.

[Peter Eichenberger]

After I got back from my second trip, I met a Fed. When she learned I had been with Common Ground, she got that I'm about to cry look on her face. "We were just in the way. We weren't doing anything, not the Red Cross, not FEMA, no one. Common Ground was the only group that was doing anything." Please send a donation. Better yet, volunteer, CG needs skilled people especially.
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