Federline Goes Highbrow

Bringing you the best and most absurd gossip stories of the week, rounded up by Elizabeth Keenan

Dethroned?

According to TMZ.com, “Miss USA pageant will make a 'major announcement' today and may strip reigning Miss USA Tara Conner of her title due to inappropriate behavior.” Improper behavior? Allusions were made to recent conduct in New York bars. According to sources, “Officials are extremely unhappy with the current Miss USA's conduct in public.” One can only imagine what Miss Connor was doing, but we’re guessing it had to do with inappropriate usage of her crown and sash. Either that, or she was discussing international policy over Jaegermeister shots.

Underwear Drive:

Page Six reports that the everyone's favorite panty-free duo. Sources report that Britney Spears has taken cues from her friends that Paris Hilton is a bad influence on her comeback career attempts and is brining her otherwise first-class reputation down. In related news, I’ll be organizing an underwear drive for Britney. Donations can be sent to The Inquirer, c/o “Oops, She Did it Again.”

Period?

Nicole Ritchie faces mandatory jail time for her recent DUI arrest this past weekend (for being under the influence of marijuana and vicoden) according to reports on perezhilton.com. Weighing in at 85 lbs. upon her arrest, one wonders if this waify party girl will be able to hold her own in the prison system. Hopefully her cell mate will be a fan of her father’s music, and Nicole can lead everybody in a rousing sing along of “Dancing on the Ceiling” to deflect any potential assaults. In related news, Nicole has told friends that she was talking vicoden to ease the pain of bad menstrual cramps. I’m just gonna say it - does anyone actually believe that she’s still getting her period at 85 lbs? We’ve all seen the after school special on eating disorders . . .

If I Could Turn Back (Feder)Time

In literary news, Kevin Federline has allegedly announced his plans to scribe a “tell-all” book about his life with Britney, that would reveal "shocking details" about Britney Spears, including her "wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women - as well as her supposed belief in time-travel." (Superficial.com) The drug use, bi-sexual leanings and wild drinking are not any revelation – but Time Travel – well who could blame her for wanting to turn back time to the innocent days of the Mickey Mouse Club. No word as to whether Federline would be writing the book himself, but we all hope that he plans to include details about his all Slim Jim, Marlboro and Boones Farm diet that seems to be sweeping through Hollywood.

Comments

[Dom]

Your magazine chooses to highlight mostly the weird and embarrassing. Is it really out of your realm to journal goodwill? Stories that champion the everyday person who strives? Our city is full of winners. Bring us winners!!!